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Post by poppins on Sept 26, 2012 6:52:01 GMT -8
 POPPINSSeventy-two| female | player | Kindness/Light/Darkness | Aina HidashiroThe Character
Aina Hidashiro hadn't always been so comfortable with death. There had been a time, years ago, that she had been just as afraid of death as almost every other four or five year old in the world. Looking back at that time, just over ten years ago, Aina had to laugh at herself. She had been so young, and now, at fifteen years old, she felt like she was older than most anyone twice, even three times, her age. That wasn't a bad thing either, being wiser. Sure, most of her classmates looked at her funny, or were even almost afraid of her, but they didn't matter. They were the ones who didn't, couldn't, understand. Aina couldn't blame them or that, after all, she had felt as they did once, a life time ago.
Her grandparents had died within days of one another when she had been four, almost five. They both had been ill for sometime, and their death was no surprise to anyone. The doctors even said it was something of a miracle they had held on for so long. Aina had thought, but never quite dared say, that the real miracle would be if they both had died months ago.
Aina had nothing against her grandparents, she had loved them both when they had been healthy. At the time, she had looked forward to visiting her 'nanny' and 'pappy'. She loved the days when she could play pretend with them, hear stories of their childhood, and how they had had to 'walk ten miles uphill, to and from school in their bare feet.' and that 'in the winter, we trekked through ten foot deep snow not only barefoot, but in the same clothes we wore in the middle of summer.' Her grandparents had been her best friends before they had gotten sick, but now that they were so sick, Aina wasn't even sure they were human anymore.
She knew thinking that was horrible, but, couldn't it be true? Her nanny and pappy looked more like tissue paper skeletons than people. And, they were hooked up to so many machines, it seemed they had to be part robot too. Looking like that, dependent on the machines and on other people, Aina couldn't see how they could still be alive and human. If they truly were, wouldn't they have died already? Wouldn't that have been the human thing to do? Aina thought so, but again, she never dared to say a word. All she could do was hope and pray that her grandparents would 'just die already' and that she could go back to living a normal life. One where she never visited the hospital again and that when she talked to her family, there only answer wasn't the wheeze or beep of machines.
Soon enough, both her grandparents passed on, and Aina could only feel relief because, finally, it didn't matter if her grandparents were human or not, or sick or not, they were dead, gone and never coming back. They had finally granted her wish and had died.
Her relief and joy lasted until her grandparent's shared funeral, when she had seen she was the only person there that was relieved they had died. Everyone else, even her parents who had been in the hospital just as much as she had been, were sad the two of them were gone. They all wished that they were still alive and healthy and with them, anything but dead.
'But they are dead! And its better that way, they weren't human in the end!' Aina wanted to scream that, but she kept quiet, not shedding a tear because she couldn't even pretend to be upset. That was too big a lie. She was not sad at all, of that she was sure, no matter how many times adults asked her 'Aren't you sad?" or 'Are you sure?'
She was sure, but then the adults started talking, and the whispers she heard them say were about her. Those whispers called her horrible, wrong and inhuman. They called her a monster who had never loved anything, and couldn't even feel bad that her grandparents had been sick. In fact, those whispers said, she was probably happy they were gone, because now her poor, grieving parents could give all their attention to her, the only child.
Hearing these words, over and over, Aina realized they were right. That, every word of theirs was true. She HAD wished for her grandparents to be dead, she HAD wished her mommy and daddy had more time to spend with her. She was glad that soon, her mommy and daddy would have that time to spend with her. That meant she was a horrible little girl, a true monster, and perhaps worse, because Aina was sure her wishing had worked, at least a little. Maybe wishing hadn't killed her grandparents right away, but it had certainly killed them in the end, otherwise, they would still be alive, still hanging on, maybe forever.
Finally, Aina did cry, but not with sadness, but with terror. She broke down in the middle of the living room, and hadn't stopped for hours because the glares the adults gave her only made her more scared.
The months after the funeral were hard for Aina. She was always crying, or about to cry. She never felt hungry, or even tired or sad. All she could feel was scared, scared about herself, and about how she would die too. That, dying would be the only way to make up for her horrible wish. The thing was, she didn't want to die, the thought was terrifying, and she was only five! It wasn't fair that she had to die. That it was what she deserved. But there was nothing she could do, of that, she was certain. After all, her parents had given up on her already. Sure, they acted concerned and worried, sure they told her her wishes had meant nothing, but Aina knew it was all a lie. She could see the lies in there eyes, could see that even her parents would wish she would just stop already.
Believing all this like only the young could, Aina got tired of waiting for the day of her Karmic retribution to come. It would come, certainly, but she could make her parents happy before then, she could run away and disappear. Everyone who knew her would forget her, she'd be gone, and so when she did die, no one would be sad or worried or happy. Her fate would never be the ate of someone she loved. And, maybe, disappearing forever would be enough. Maybe, even if she had to live underground and eat dirt and worms her whole life, she wouldn't have to die if she never saw anyone again. Thinking like that, it made sense to run away, and, run away she did, with nothing more than a backpack full of snacks and some loose change. Like most kids, Aina didn't get far as a runaway. Unlike most kids, she didn't get far because she had almost gotten herself run over.
When Aina left her house, she ran without looking back. She felt so everything that she had forgot the first rule of the road, look both ways before crossing a street. So, when she ran into the street, she didn't even see the car, didn't even realize her mistake until she was there, the proverbial deer in the headlights. For an eternity, time slowed down, and Aina could hear the horn blaring, the tires screeching and something or someone screaming for what had to be years. She wasn't even aware that she was hearing her own screams, all she could really think was that she really was going to die now, and it was going to hurt and that people would probably laugh at her because she had wet herself.
As the subjective eternity continued, Aina waited for a painful impact that never came. In fact, the first thing she felt was not pain, but someone warm and soft and alive wrapping around her, pulling her close. Even then, Aina didn't dare open her eyes right away. Instead, she took her time, slowly opening them to find herself looking up at an old lady. The woman looked to be about her nanny's age before she had gotten ill, and though this woman looked different, Aina was sure that somehow, this WAS her nanny.
"Nanny?" she asked hesitantly, hopefully, her voice almost turning into a sob for a moment.
The lady, Maria Versagi, knew she wasn't this girl's grandmother, but it didn't matter at the moment. This little girl had almost given her a heart attack when she had run in the street, and if that was scary for her in the car, this kid had to be half scared to death. So, in reply, she just said "Yes dear?"
Hearing the voice, one so much like her nanny's but totally different at the same time, Aina finally did cry. She cried for herself, for her near accident, for the horrible things she had thought and done, and for her grandparents who she would never see or hear again. She cried for what felt like hours, and she didn't, couldn't stop until here were no more tears left. Then, warm, comfortable but most of all, alive and unhurt in this lady's arms, Aina told her everything that had happened in the last few months.
When, finally, Aina was silent, Maria had to wonder who really was the savior here, herself, or this little girl, Aina. Of course, she did not ask such a thing, and instead, she asked where her parents could be reached. When Aina told her, Maria got to work.
In the span of an hour, both her parents were at her side angry, scared, sad but mostly relieved that everything was okay. After being checked over, hugged and reprimanded, Aina was sent back to the house and her parents and Maria. 'Ms Versagi' to her, spoke to one another.
After that, Aina didn't see her for a week. That made her sad, but she didn't really expect she'd ever see Ms Versagi again. Which was why, when her parents said she WAS going to see her again, Aina couldn't stop asking questions and being excited. She didn't stop talking until they arrived at their destination, and then, all the happiness and excitement Aina felt died in an instant because their destination, the place she would see Ms Versagi again, was the hospital. And, the same part of the hospital her grandparents had died in.
Terrified and confused, Aina couldn't even find the courage to speak. She could barely find the courage to breath, sure that the next time she opened her mouth, her lunch would come back out the way it came. How that didn't come to pass, she didn't know. The next thing Aina knew was that she was seeing Ms Versagi, alive and well in the lobby of the hospital, her arms open wide and a smile just for Aina on her face. So, Aina ran to her, and wrapped herself in Maria's arms, babbling about how glad she was that everything was okay, that no one was sick. Here, in the arms of an almost complete stranger, Aina learned that she wasn't right, that Maria Versagi was sick, and going to die.
Keeping Aina quiet, Maria told her about how, even though she looked healthy, she had cancer. It wasn't particularly aggressive, but it wasn't responding to chemo, and now it had metastasized, 'started to grow someplace new'. Maria explained that she had a few years left to live, and that the hair on her head was a wig, because chemotherapy had made her lose her hair. Maria explained all she could to the little girl, and then she explained the hardest thing of all. That, even though she was going to die, even though it was scary, that it was okay because death was a scary thing, especially for a little girl. She explained that, scary as it was, death wasn't something to mourn, but something to celebrate. Sure, it was the end, but not forever, and not for a long time either. For, by celebrating death, people would remember the deceased. They would carry a part of their loved ones in their heart and souls and maybe even pass their memories to someone else. So, while in a few years, she'd be gone, she would never be forgotten, and for that, Aina could celebrate while still being just a little sad and scared.
At the time, Aina hadn't, couldn't understand all of what Ms. Versagi was saying. All she could understand was that everything would be okay, that despite her horrible wishes, she didn't have to disappear. Finally, the words that her parents had been telling her for months became more than just words, and Aina was truly happy for the first time in months.
As time passed, Aina slowly came to understand, share and then embrace the view Ms Veragi had told her. So, when she had finally passed on, in her sleep, with a smile on her face, Aina had celebrated and her tears were of happiness, relief and also sadness. She had recently turned eight, and though she still had a long way to go until she fully understood the beliefs she embraced, she was no longer a little girl. She was as close to being a woman as any eight year old could be, and though that separated her from her classmates, Aina wouldn't have it any other way.
Now, fully understanding the belief she embraced, Aina often volunteers her time with people who are dying. It doesn't matter why or when, how old or young, Aina is there, trying to help them celebrate and understand that, even in death, they really aren't dead because someone is remembering them.
Sometimes, it isn't easy to do this. Sometimes, the people dying were in horrible accidents, or babies who hadn't really lived yet. Even now, Aina sometimes wonder what there is to celebrate, but, she keeps these thoughts to herself, knowing they won't help, and that maybe she'll find an answer along with the one about to die. It may not be the right answer, and certainly not the only one, but it would be something, and even if she never understood the answer, it'd be something she'd remember until she too passed away.
Why DO A lot of the people she sees, but especially the kids, were into DO. After all, though they were dying, they were the ones well enough to be accompanied to a place with a personal pod. That, or even own their own. Some of the hospitals she volunteered at had even had a pods donated to them by rich benefactors. Whatever the specific case, she first began playing to be with them.
That quickly changed, and in almost no time at all, Aina began playing for herself. To her DO was amazing, a place where anyone, even someone who could do little more than blink and breathe, could be alive again. They could move, and talk and feel and grow, they could live, and that was great. For a little while, those who were dying could make memories, they could find reasons to celebrate when the time came for their deaths. Soon, DO became an almost magical place for Aina, a place where she became Poppins, a wise old lady, the Ms Versagi of DO.
The RPernameJokess
face claim yu yu hakusho, genkai
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