Subject: PLAYER, karasu 314 views

[karasu]

KARASU
Fourteen | Female | Player | Surprise me! | Shinozaki Eiji

The Character

Positive traits
Selfless & kind
Modest & caring
Respectful & loyal
Open-minded & Hard-working

Negative traits
Secretive & naive
Low self-esteem & Clumsy
Insecure & envious
Picky & gullible

"What am I?"

Right from birth, everyone is grouped into two different groups. Pink representing girls and blue representing boys. What happens when you are born in between pink and blue? From experience I can tell you that they don't create a third colour just for your sake, they usually group you into the colour your parents feel alright with. You spend the next ten years inside this colour, asking yourself why you're different. And when you go to search for an answer, the people you ask usually brush you aside and simply tell you that you're different. I find it odd that they never use the word special, they just say different.

At the age of ten, you notice that something is going on with your body. Breasts start to slowly form and you question yourself more and more. I'm a boy right? Why is this happening to me? You aren't like other boys. Your parents pull you aside like the many moments before and tell you that you are different. They go further than just saying you're different this time and explain that you have an intersex condition.

This moment is something that I and many others have experienced. You wear a small smile and go through your life living a lie. I know because I did that. I went to school daily, binding my chest and hoping that no one would notice the breasts that I was developing so I could fit carefully into my assigned role. I've never been the type who would lie to someone, so I worried constantly about how I would explain myself away when the other boys were developing facial hair and yet my face stayed smooth. When someone pointed it out, I would grimace and softly state that I was a late bloomer.

This lie was something I never fully understood. Which side of me was I lying about? The question always ringed in my head even when I wore my small smile, the wall that supposedly made everything alright. It was a little bit after my Eleventh birthday the wall came crashing down when everyone left and left me in charge of an empty house. With curiosity, I crept slowly into my sister's room and stared into her closet. The moment my eyes adjusted to the darkness, my eyes spotted dresses from when she was my age. I bit my lip and entered the small space, trying on these various dresses and staring into a mirror that rested in the corner of her room.

I believe at this point I fully understood what part of me I was lying about, that I felt so ashamed of. The fact that I fit myself carefully into a role that I didn't enjoy was something that never came to mind. I pretended to be this boy so everyone would be happy and the peace wouldn't be disturbed. I saw a pleading girl in the reflection, her eyes begging for me to let her bloom. How could I deny her that? Was I perfectly fine with my own suffering that I would let this girl suffer just so I could?

"Who am I?"

The RPer

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